This blog is not for the feint of heart. The holidays. An anticipated time whether your dread them or look forward to them. I feel both. Mostly I preoccupy myself with buying gifts for people I love, starting in October. I scour the sales advertisements every Sunday at Panera while I drink my coffee. Then I set out with a simple budget and spend all day carefully pawing through store after store with a smug attitude. My sister will love this, she won't be expecting it, I can't wait to give it to her. I like to buy unexpected gifts to make people feel special and good. There is this warm, self-serving satisfaction in spending months planning gifts for people who aren't expecting gifts.
This year my first gift recipient of choice was my Salvation Army Angel. An 11 year old from Nashville. I bought her a winter coat, an outfit, a comforter linen set, and a special Wizards of Waverly Place magic spell pillow. I was pleased. I got everything on her wish list. After that I started on my nieces and nephews, my hairdresser, friends, my stepmother, and the family I would be spending the actual holidays with.
It was glorious. It was invigorating. Apart from seeing people actually receiving my gifts, it was my favorite part of the holiday. And then for me, comes the worst part. The depression that follows all of that giving. And it is deep and sad.
For months the giving momentum builds and builds and I am gleeful in the process.
Then the day of giving is over and I am left with the next 10 months of loneliness. For those few months my mind is magically tricked into thinking that I am HAPPY. The message my brain is getting is powerful and tricky, it is fully engaged in that old adage that you get more from giving than receiving. And it is. 100%.
My depression starts with the impending New Year holiday. I HATE this holiday. People judge your whole year based on your New Years. So I suppose it is no surprise that if I am at home in bed (alone) than that is a pretty good indicator of how the rest of my year is going to go. Which is totally fine with me, I don't buy into the commercialism of New years, the whole must find someone to kiss at midnight, etc...
However, it is suddenly becoming a metaphor for the rest of my year and I don't like that.
This year quite a few people have pointed out to me that I am not married and I do not have children(shoot, I don't even have the POSSIBILITY of that). Some people just like to point it out to me (in case I didn't realize?), some people have even outright said If you aren't married by my age, there is a reason for that: NO ONE WANTS YOU.
Well that is bit harsh. I mean hurtful, I mean BRUTAL. MY GOD. REALLY? But this is how the holidays get me. I start to take into account my successes and failures of the year, and there it is inevitably staring me in the eyeballs: Nobody wants me. I dated all year, took risks by going out with people that I was willing to give a chance to. I got "out there" let people set me up, I even went on 2 dates in one night-I didn't blog about it because it was completely uneventful.
Maybe it is true. Not just about me, but anyone else who falls in my age bracket. There was some game of musical chairs for spouses, and I totally missed it. Like I didn't even know such a thing existed let alone when it was and when I was supposed to go.
But here is the cold, hard, ugly, holiday truth: For the rest of the year I will struggle with knowing I am totally fine, of sound mind, sometimes semi-attractive, a super communicator, an independent and strong woman, but for some reason it is just not enough to attract a worthy mate. I am shocked. Aghast. It never fails to startle me every time I think about it, which is mostly at night.
Occasionally I get the drunk middle of the night call from some past flame who thinks for those few drunk hours that maybe they missed the boat on me. Then they sober up. LOL. "OOOPs. Sorry-didn't mean it,I felt sorry for you and I knew you would answer your phone." Thanks.
I watched Eat, Pray, Love the other day. Part of our society that says if you go through a certain pattern of self-discovery all of the love in the world is waiting for you like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But it isn't the truth. I know more about myself than most people my age, shit, I have had A LOT of time to think about it. I know about life, death, love, work, fear, and every other emotion you are supposed to experience before you "become whole" and find your "soul mate". The only conclusion I can come to is that all that just isn't for me. Not because I don't want it, because I do. I know the Grinch's heart was 2 times too small. Mine is 2 times too big, it is just mostly empty. I feel like I must apologize for this holiday rant. I know YOU are special, you are basking in the light of your loved ones and all of your material goods you got for Christmas, and knowing that YOU are loved. Someone wants to hug you, kiss you, and tell you how much they love you. Enjoy it. As far as I am concerned you won the lottery that I never got a ticket to. Merry Christmas.
