Archived I am a fighter

family in all their joy and destruction


Strange things have been happening lately, things that defy my superficial easy way I like to go about my life. Honestly I hope you don't really think that I am superficial, however, I fully acknowledge that I don't necessarily live my life as
they say "in the present". No offense to-well, most people-but my discontent with you may not necessarily find its way into our conversation. I like very much the conversation I have in my head where I perhaps point out something I disagreed with you on and then quickly dismiss it, instead of course- doing the real and honest thing which might actually be to confront you. I justify this as keeping the peace. I know lots of people who live exactly the opposite, and the energy that must take astounds me. Clearly I am lazy, in both an emotional and physical sense.

Therefore, when I find myself confronting people recently, no one is more surprised at my newfound voice than me! Who is that standing up to my father who has in the past wilted, disconnected, and walked away?! Where is that voice coming from that is telling the co-worker that her behavior is more like a high school student than teacher?! Oh that's me! It's quite shocking to hear my own voice.

That sounds rather pathetic as I reread my own thoughts but with my own new honesty policy, it is in fact the truth.

Here are my musings on this topic as I embrace this assertiveness. Families are in general disjointed in their own ways. The damage they inflict seems insurmountable for a great deal of your life. I am not claiming to be a victim, but I'll be damned if I didn't get some permanant scars from my bumps and bruises along the way. Sometimes I sport those scars because it shows how-as my father says-I am "tough as nails". Other times I try to cover them up, hoping people will not think that I am damaged goods. On the rare occasion I forget they are there I pretend to be NORMAL. That of course is subject to my present company. The irony is that the same family members who gave you those battle wounds want very much to heal you! Or really it is a paradox, because the enemy is ultimately your ally, this seems opposite, but is a truth. In my previous mind set I believed that maintaining a shallow relationship with those people was the easiest and least hurtful thing, I did not have the energy to oppose people who were inevitably always going to be a part of my life regardless of my opinions. Lately they have not been letting me off the hook so easily; and while I find this annoying, drudging up old hurts and recalling scars I so successfully repressed, perhaps they are actually trying to help me. I realize I sound like a babe in the woods, with these ideas, perhaps you have figured this out and come to peace with it long ago. I have not been so wise. I have fought all 15 rounds of every fight I thought was worth fighting, for my siblings, for my education, for my students, for my friends, etc...and I won. But the prize plagued me in other ways. Survival and success are mine fair and square, but I came out kind of rough around the edges somehow and lost some compassion along the way. I lost the compassion for the ones I truly believed I was fighting against all of those years, people and circumstances alike. And yet I have vast compassion for those that I hardly know. Not to sound cliche, but there might actually be a balance.

My father lost my respect 12 years ago. As a fighter, respect and loyalty are your most guarded weapons, and when that was gone I lost interest in the man that had my heart for 22 years. While he drifted away from us I thought I was growing stronger and more prepared for every new fight that came my way. And in many ways I did, I persevered and was relentless when it came to protecting myself and my other family members. I am a champion for them in every sense of the word.

But it seems now that same man wants only to know me and to love me. How does a fighter face that? 12 years of training mentally to duck and protect are useless. This is where I have found that voice, the voice that has replaced the mental jab and hook. A voice to articulate the damage, to suggest potential healing tactics and to proclaim love as well as disappointment.

The scars I have from those fights have a new use, they are a starting point. This scar was from your betrayal, this one from your neglect, I will not hide them from you, but I will acknowledge that you see them and try to move on. Truly the prize fight was always for your love, and miraculously along the way I found I had people in the audience cheering me on, giving me strength when I thought I would surely go down for the count.

I appreciate all of you who have cheered me on along the way, and I hope that as I try to learn how to not be such a fighter you will still be in my corner. Change is a frightful thing, especially when your thoughts, hopes, and dreams are on the line. I am going to conceed this next fight and see where it takes me, perhaps there is peace for this fighter yet.

PEACE and LOVE.

KGC

archived I hear you, sometimes

Sometimes when the most tragic of events occur there is no drama, no screaming, dropping to your knees, no one to hold you and tell you it will be ok. Rather you find yourself in an empty tunnel, if you scream you will hear only the echo of your own screams. It will go on echoing untill it fades leaving you alone and quiet again. The world continues to rotate, at neck-breaking speeds, images swirling together unlike any roller coaster that could ever exist. At that moment the only thing that you can focus on is yourself.

Sometimes when you find your way out of that tunnel, and poke your head up like a burrowed animal, the light is blinding. Humanity is still racing, groping, pushing to get ahead of one another. The pain is piercing, the sounds are crippling, and no one even notices that you have burrowed away like the tiny rodent that you are, worse is that they haven't noticed that you re-entererd their world, or that you were ever missing at all.

Sometimes you notice how self-serving, self-absorbed the broad majority seems to be. Politeness is overlooked, common courtesy dismissed, a sense of entitlement replacing graciousness. Parents neglecting their children, family's broken and patched together, friendships destroyed by jealousy, lack of time, lack of compassion.

Sometimes in this place you look inward, farther than you ever knew you could go. Again you are blinded by a light, a light that all of your ancestors before you have carried and buried in your soul, the light that burns to keep you warm, comforted, secure. The strength of those who endured the unthinkable, who fought for you to be here, who persevered in times you can't even endure thinking about.

Sometimes you realize that this breath inside you is a gift, the heart that beats inside you a symbol of strength and power beating, beating, beating, in a rhythm of its own, indifferent to your trivial pursuits and disappointments, for you, on and on and on.

Sometimes you see that other people are hurting, they too have burrowed in their holes, some deeper than you realized the earth could go. Some just underneath the surface, and you too have failed to realize that they were gone. Failed to realize when they re-entered, stronger or weaker from their own personal batttles. Perhaps you have suffered similar losses, sifted through similar lessons, caught glances of one another in the wars.

Sometimes, you just need to take a moment, take stock in your being, remember what makes you thrive, find your backbone, dust it off and stand tall because of it. Remember whose shoulders you stand on, remember who is standing on yours.

Archived ET phone home

Wouldn't it be cool if everyone had a heart that lit up when they saw someone they loved? There would be no confusion when you reached out to touch them your lights would unite. As cheesy as it sounds-really I think it would be useful. No mixed signals-no lies or betrayals, if you saw that light fading you could make an exit promptly and save someone the hurt and surprise of all those nasty ways people break up. Maybe you could save yourself all the trouble and negative self talk assuming nobody really cares about you -if you could see them light up as you entered a room. People aren't very good at communicating-or perhaps I set that precedence for others toward me by not communicating myself-therefor a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. If you don't use those communication skills for years at a time-do you lose them? If there is no one wanting to communicate with you-does it mean you are not communication worthy? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it-it still makes noise, right? So it stands to reason that I still might have some communication skills if they were ever needed again, yes? I hope so.
It is strange to me how people do choose to communicate-through lists, texts, emails. What ever happened to good old fashioned face to face one on one conversation? Surely people still do this-but I look around and don't see much of it, even with the married couples I know. They talk briefly over coffee in the morning, or through emails throughout the day, but people seem so self-involved do they really Talk to each other? I like my time alone, knowing that I set my own schedule, eat what I want, never need to take someone else into consideration when I want to go shopping or to the gym, but perhaps there is some middle ground. A way to keep your independence AND love/be loved. A time to sit down with someone you cherish and who cherishes you and tune out all other things so that maybe you can see their heart light up like ET and they can see yours. Here's to believing in ET and other fantasies.