Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Fitting the pieces together

How? What? Who? Pure confusion.  Utter AND pure confusion. What just happened? This harvest moon thing really tripped me out this week.  Tripped. Me. Out. Dayyyyyuuummmm.
In the span of 1 week, 3 people on this earth who I had lost all contact with, 1 for several years, 1 for a little over a year, and one from just a few months, just re-entered my life (for 1 HOT SECOND each) in the most non-nonchalant  fashion possible.  So, stupefyingly random, swift, and strange. And it stirred up all sorts of crazy emotions that I had previously compartmentalized, thank you very much.  So, that was odd, and beyond coincidental. They all just blew in via electronic correspondence with no proper greeting, no inquiry as to my life or my well-being, said their piece and then peaced right out again, like POOF, gone.
But it is the one that was most recent that really had me hung up. I am at an age where I should be a good judge of people, sincerity, innuendo, I feel the energy of other people, I am sort of aware of my surroundings. But this threw me into a tailspin that I thankfully pulled out of by the next day. But I must take it out and examine it now that I feel safely removed again.
I will never know what brought them to this place that they felt the urge to reach out, in the most simple way possible, to extend an apology for past behavior. (Seriously, 3 in one week!!!) So, if I can't determine what brought them to that point, or what they were feeling when they reached out, I can only examine how it made me feel.  And, PS, I am not really fond of this tactic, it would be kinder to me for them to explain themselves, but such is life.  As my dear friend Stacy says, "suck it up buttercup."
So, I shall spread it all out and explore.
Which is REALLY hard to do without pointing fingers back at those same people. UUUGGGHH!
Ok, so back to this last one.  What are my feelings about this. Siiiigggh. Damn if it doesn't still hurt.  And one of the strangest emotions I have ever encountered is that I hurt for the person who did the damage! That sounds very co-dependent-ish, but let me explain.
If I must take one's word as the truth (if they are lying this is a whole other ballgame-but I rented this field for now, so I ain't moving), they are denying their own happiness for their perception that there is no balance (at lease allowed for said person) of happiness and responsibility.  Herein lies the part that makes me sad.  The kicker is, it is more empathetic than it is selfish. Which, probably actually makes sense if you know me, I would put most everyone's feelings before my own-don't worry, I am working on this. Geez.
So here I am feeling so painfully empathetic and then like a terrible dessert add my own pain on top of that like some kind of spoiled whip cream.  That might not make sense. But you get it, it's layers friends. Layers of feelings, hence the needing to examine it. GRRRRRRR.
In my world, I don't just reach out and leave people hanging after stirring their pot. Who does that? Right, the people I chose to have in my life. Ok, Ok. Universe, message received. And I dealt with all that, I really did!! Until this last stinker in the bunch. Why you get me all twisted? Stepping back again, slowing down. Deep yoga breath...ok.
This last one really throws me for a loop because from all that I have learned from my experiences, my universal truths and lessons, this one wasn't like the other ones. I was slow and cautious, I was diligent, I was feeling my way through checking for all of the signs, the universal roadposts...and I found myself in the exact place I always wanted to be-without even knowing it. That happy and unfamiliar place was not easy to accept (see aforementioned relationships 1 and 2 referenced above).  But I did, over a few months, I gradually, finally, became comfortable and trusting.  I found that I liked it there, dare I say started to feel secure there.  And then it was gone, and I didn't handle it with as much class and decorum as I should have, I know that. So, noted, put aside in my annotated notes of this lesson's dissection..
And then I struggled. And struggled, and struggled. And it wasn't just the loss of this relatively short relationship, it compounded HORRIBLY with the worst time in my life personally and professionally.  I got beat down in ways I didn't think were possible! WHEEEEW.
And then...when the rain cleared, I got it all together.  Professional life on point and with an incredible trajectory. Roots settled back where they belong, with the security of a home that is solely mine, no bank can take it away from me, it is mine. I find my spirit is starting to soar again, oh how I have missed that!
And then BOOM. These MF'rs who, damn if I don't still feel love for them (in different ways)!
Just throwing a little Hey-did you really think you were on solid emotional ground, REALLY? Thanks universe, harvest moon, whatever is responsible for that.  I know this is a time for people to create closure for themselves, but I (thought) I already had closure, then I had to take on YOUR attempt at closure, not cool dudes, not cool at all.
And here is why. Because this last one, I want it back. It feels like the missing piece of the puzzle.  So, here I sit a puzzle with one lost piece, who just won't allow themselves to complete the puzzle.  Why friend. Why does having a complete puzzle scare you so? Complete puzzles are awesome! You can take them apart and put them back together again, you can look at the big complete picture it makes together and admire it as one whole being or look deeper and see all of the super cool, unique pieces that each hold something vitally important to the overall completeness of the puzzle.
WHO DOESN'T"T WANT THAT? Right, it doesn't matter, this can only be about me because I can't speculate, predict, or assume anything about anyone else but me.
So, here is where I land. Thank you universe for exposing how each of those people were seeking closure.  I am happy for them, I am powerless, have no say about it, and can't dig into it, but will take it.  Such is a blessing if I choose to see it.
But I will tell you, I am not closing off the rest of the puzzle because there seems to be a hold out.  I want that damn missing piece.  So here I go again, compartmentalizing that part of where I thought I found the missing piece.  I will pack up all the pieces and put them back in the box and patiently wait.  Peace be with you. And so it is...

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