The ugly holiday truth

This blog is not for the feint of heart. The holidays. An anticipated time whether your dread them or look forward to them. I feel both. Mostly I preoccupy myself with buying gifts for people I love, starting in October. I scour the sales advertisements every Sunday at Panera while I drink my coffee. Then I set out with a simple budget and spend all day carefully pawing through store after store with a smug attitude. My sister will love this, she won't be expecting it, I can't wait to give it to her. I like to buy unexpected gifts to make people feel special and good. There is this warm, self-serving satisfaction in spending months planning gifts for people who aren't expecting gifts.
This year my first gift recipient of choice was my Salvation Army Angel. An 11 year old from Nashville. I bought her a winter coat, an outfit, a comforter linen set, and a special Wizards of Waverly Place magic spell pillow. I was pleased. I got everything on her wish list. After that I started on my nieces and nephews, my hairdresser, friends, my stepmother, and the family I would be spending the actual holidays with.
It was glorious. It was invigorating. Apart from seeing people actually receiving my gifts, it was my favorite part of the holiday. And then for me, comes the worst part. The depression that follows all of that giving. And it is deep and sad.
For months the giving momentum builds and builds and I am gleeful in the process.
Then the day of giving is over and I am left with the next 10 months of loneliness. For those few months my mind is magically tricked into thinking that I am HAPPY. The message my brain is getting is powerful and tricky, it is fully engaged in that old adage that you get more from giving than receiving. And it is. 100%.
My depression starts with the impending New Year holiday. I HATE this holiday. People judge your whole year based on your New Years. So I suppose it is no surprise that if I am at home in bed (alone) than that is a pretty good indicator of how the rest of my year is going to go. Which is totally fine with me, I don't buy into the commercialism of New years, the whole must find someone to kiss at midnight, etc...
However, it is suddenly becoming a metaphor for the rest of my year and I don't like that.
This year quite a few people have pointed out to me that I am not married and I do not have children(shoot, I don't even have the POSSIBILITY of that). Some people just like to point it out to me (in case I didn't realize?), some people have even outright said If you aren't married by my age, there is a reason for that: NO ONE WANTS YOU.
Well that is bit harsh. I mean hurtful, I mean BRUTAL. MY GOD. REALLY? But this is how the holidays get me. I start to take into account my successes and failures of the year, and there it is inevitably staring me in the eyeballs: Nobody wants me. I dated all year, took risks by going out with people that I was willing to give a chance to. I got "out there" let people set me up, I even went on 2 dates in one night-I didn't blog about it because it was completely uneventful.
Maybe it is true. Not just about me, but anyone else who falls in my age bracket. There was some game of musical chairs for spouses, and I totally missed it. Like I didn't even know such a thing existed let alone when it was and when I was supposed to go.
But here is the cold, hard, ugly, holiday truth: For the rest of the year I will struggle with knowing I am totally fine, of sound mind, sometimes semi-attractive, a super communicator, an independent and strong woman, but for some reason it is just not enough to attract a worthy mate. I am shocked. Aghast. It never fails to startle me every time I think about it, which is mostly at night.
Occasionally I get the drunk middle of the night call from some past flame who thinks for those few drunk hours that maybe they missed the boat on me. Then they sober up. LOL. "OOOPs. Sorry-didn't mean it,I felt sorry for you and I knew you would answer your phone." Thanks.
I watched Eat, Pray, Love the other day. Part of our society that says if you go through a certain pattern of self-discovery all of the love in the world is waiting for you like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But it isn't the truth. I know more about myself than most people my age, shit, I have had A LOT of time to think about it. I know about life, death, love, work, fear, and every other emotion you are supposed to experience before you "become whole" and find your "soul mate". The only conclusion I can come to is that all that just isn't for me. Not because I don't want it, because I do. I know the Grinch's heart was 2 times too small. Mine is 2 times too big, it is just mostly empty. I feel like I must apologize for this holiday rant. I know YOU are special, you are basking in the light of your loved ones and all of your material goods you got for Christmas, and knowing that YOU are loved. Someone wants to hug you, kiss you, and tell you how much they love you. Enjoy it. As far as I am concerned you won the lottery that I never got a ticket to. Merry Christmas.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I was running on the treadmill tonight and i started to cry. It just sort of all hit me at once. I miss you. The "you" here is a collective "you". Is that odd? But it is true. I started thinking about 1 particular person I will miss because the nature of our relationship has changed. And that turned into the missing of another person who I wish was here to console me, which promptly turned into a 3rd person that I missed because they never lived up to what I had hoped they would be. Pheewww, that is exhausting. I miss them all for different reasons. I miss the ex-boyfriend because it is difficult to see into the future for the hope of being loved that way again. I miss my mother because she seems like a person who would reassure me that there will in fact be a future. And I miss/mourn other people who have consistently let me down, lied to me (and probably themselves), and generally behaved in a manner unbecoming of a human. I should probably insert a rainbow or puppy picture here. I am not a Debbie Downer all of the time, but sometimes the realization that I lack all of that love is...well...unspeakable and paralyzing.

Dreams Deferred

37 years old tomorrow and I have not yet accomplished my lifelong dream of traveling to Africa and volunteering my services. Africa has tugged at my heart since I was 16 when I wanted to give up school and help end Apartheid. It was the book Kaffir Boy that lit my fire and it has never faded. In 1989 this was an impractical idea for a naive white girl from the suburbs of Baltimore. My mother laughed at me, the same woman who hyphenated our last names because she believed taking someone else's last name was an outdated practice from slavery showing ownership. The last 20 years have been marked for me by great literature, as an English teacher and a reading addict sometimes it consumes me. The Power of One; Things Fall Apart; Cry, the Beloved Country; and the Poisonwood Bible have taunted me! It takes money to volunteer. And so on the eve of my 37th birthday I can't help but feel down in the dumps -my mind running back to these ideas-my mother died at 45 (I was 21), although illogical, I feel like I have an expiration date. I thought I would be married with children by now. Not the case! I don't suffer from any great social or physical deformities. But I have love I need to give and receive. My friends believe that I am the ultimate independent woman-and I am! And proud of it! The bottom line is this-I willingly gave up the majority of my twenties and some of my thirties because I wanted to believe that my siblings absolutely needed me. In hindsight, they did pretty well on their own. I believed I was sacrificing my own life to ensure the vitality of theirs. It was a great distraction from dealing with my own motherless daughter feelings. I don't want for much-I mean school loans will plague me forever-but they can never take my degrees away. But Africa, with its haunted past, beauty, and fight for independence still has a story to tell me. My dream is to fulfill this calling in my soul and maybe even put it into a book of my very own.

DA-YUM, DA-YUM, DA-YUM (the misadventures of hot single girl)

My friends have graciously humored me as I tell them the grand stories of my recent dating experiences. However, I feel like the stories just keep coming, and all of my time spent with my friends could be entirely monopolized by these stories, and that doesn't help me in the sister-friend bonding department-as friendship should be a joint effort. So I will share my stories here so that you have a choice whether to read or not.

I realized this week that my email inbox seems to be stuffed with the following messages in the subject line (notice the lack of originality) it breaks down like this:

The majority are "hey" (although 1 poor fellow wrote Hay-like the hay for horses) or "hey you" as if we are already familiar.

2 wrote "wow" obviously because they were so taken with my NON-sexy profile picture of my niece and I at a 3 year old's birthday party.

1 titled Wooooo-hooooooo! (I guess he was giving me a cyber whistle?)

3 hello (1 "hello pretty lady"-from 1gr8gy)

and of course the many generic "Hi".

1"great smile"-at least it is somewhat original.

Now on to the body portions of the emails-these are CLASSIC.

I will transcribe these now for your reading pleasure.



jeff1995: Hay, Jeff age 37 w165 h5.9 I,m very sweet and honest. So if you like to know more ask.
PS I have one boy he is 14 i love him alot.



Mr.BIG2585: DAYUM DAYUM DAYUM...(I guess he meant Damn?!)Please tell me you're in Nashville because I am moving there on Monday. Id love to get to know you better and talk! I need a guide (wink wink). :P MUAHH.

(REALLY, Mr. BIG?) *In his profile this gentleman wrote in the what I am looking for category "YOU!" So-that was clear. He obviously meant me, right? No other girl fits that description-oh wait....



I got this message without prior messages "So where are we going on our first date?" (rather presumptuous for someone I have never spoken to before).

urbestpal sent me this one-liner "Hey Sexy, u like younger men?" I think my response was supposed to be something like "sure, come on into my cougar den". But then I have never been one to follow the road MORE traveled.
So my actual response was "Really? Does that work for you?" Must be-he moved on to other potential cougars.

Every couple of days I get a message from uwouldrollwithme that says "What's poppin?" I am not sure if he just sends that to every female that comes up on his match list, or if I am just the lucky girl to get that intimate banter.

One of my favorites (or rather LEAST favorites) so far is from Parisaway, who states multiple times that he has his own law practice and enjoys the finer things in life such as vintage red wines, trips to his flat in Paris (although his profile says he speaks Spanish-do you think that is Paris, TN?) and finally his "champion blood line cockerspaniel" and wants to know if I would like to be the future first lady! DUDE-I couldn't despise you more and I don't even know you.
I like non-champion blood line mutts, woodchuck beer, and swimming in Percy Priest Lake-sometimes they find dead bodies there-whatever.
Ohhhh I could go on and on and on...but I will end here and if you would like to read more-just leave me a comment. I am sure there is future fodder to be had.
Peace,
KGC

Earth quake survivors.

Remember this? I was thinking about it today while reflecting on things I am learning about life even at the age of 36. I appreciate the simplicity of this poster and the sentiment, all good things. Maybe some people need reminding of these things. For me though, I find that learning the more complex lessons of life are a constant, changing, flowing thing. As a teacher I guess it goes without saying that I am a life-long learner. Whether it is checking NPR.org, the NY times or the People Magazine, I like learning. I especially love learning about the human spirit. Here are some interesting sources of valuable lessons I have learned lately.

Students. They do say the damnedest things, of course my students are 16-18 years old, so they are more deliberate than kindergartners, but I don't remember being as insightful as these kids today. While discussing one of my favorite books, The Lords of Discipline, a student asked me how women bond.

It seemed obvious how boys bond, with playful fighting, friendly competition, overcoming adversities together, brotherly banter. I have 3 brothers and feel close to all of them. I worked at an all-boys catholic school for 5 years where I witnessed and helped foster a loyal brotherhood. I love that brotherhood, that loyalty, I get the concept of "I wear the ring" and feel a kinship to it. But I am clearly NOT a boy, but this endearing process seems normal and welcoming to me.

How DO girls bond? I have sisters, I rely on them and know that they rely on me. But I am somewhat of a motherless daughter, I haven't witnessed that same loyalty outside of my sisters, in other aspects of life. When I was younger I often found girls calculating, self-involved, maybe even spoiled and I didn't relate. And yet-I am really womanly, I think I embody what it means to be a good woman. I have wonderful female friends. How do I not really know what creates those bonds? Is it just more complex? Does it just require less effort? Is it just unspoken? I am not really sure.

Recently I have had the pleasure of meeting up with old female friends, as I have pranced around the country there are still a few people who care to keep up with me. When I see them I feel that bond, how did we get it? Laughter, the sharing of self-discoveries, maybe even as one of my friend's suggested, common enemies? The process isn't nearly as black and white, as easy to identify as the boys. At 36 years old I just noticed this!

I know my mother had wonderful female/sisterly friends, I never paid much attention until recently. I am fortunate enough to count those same women as my friends even 15 years after my mother has passed. These are wise women who are willing to share their wisdom and I trust their judgement.

I also noticed this because I have had female friendships fail where the fall out was more like a nasty divorce than just 2 friends parting ways. This makes me sad, and makes me feel like a terrible person, but self-preservation is still the most important thing, if I have learned anything from boys it is to keep a strong sense of self-preservation. And yet-women sometimes have a hard time with that. We want to give and please, sometimes at the cost of our own character. Maybe getting through that common experience bonds women. For me, bonding with other women is still a process, a learning process. It seems a little murky at times and tough to navigate through. But I am learning, perpetually learning-sometimes in the damnedest places, like my classroom. And sometimes over coffee with a sister, friend, or what I have come to appreciate as my "sister-friends". I am still a student to these life lessons. And even though I have always had friends I don't think I was cognizant of what created the friendships. It doesn't take away from those friendships, but I recognize it now. It's bright, and encouraging, and warm. Thank you sister-friends.

Farm boy, fetch me that pitcher.

Ok, so here is the thing. Recently I have been approached by gentlemen callers (yes I live in a Tennessee Williams play), who in their attempt to be kind and "open" mention that they are 1. an open book (uggghhh boring cliche) and 2. are willing to answer any questions.

Well, that is super, Mr. Single guy, while I think most girls would TOTALLY appreciate your willingness to be open, I find that DAUNTING and very overwhelming. Do you realize you just put all of the pressure on me, and ps. you just asked me to work while you get off totally free and clear. Also- you are really willing to answer ANY question I lob in the air? Are you sure? Cause I can be a crafty chick. I can ask questions you probably never even thought of. Seriously.

I think your intention is probably to show how sensitive and open you can be, which are great qualities in a man, but AFTER you get to know him. In the beginning-be a Man. Initiate interesting conversation, show how you can steer a conversation into sharky waters but make me feel totally safe. Throw out some interesting witty banter to see where I will hit the ball. I don't want to insinuate that I want a game player, but let's be honest, in the beginning that is the flirty fun part!

Otherwise I just have to check my clipboard o'questions, push my glasses up on my face, and choose a random boring question that you will answer in exactly the way you think I expect it to be answered. BLLLAAAHHHH. Then I yawn and fall asleep while you paint pretty pictures of Paris travel and glasses of red wine by a fire. Red wine gives me a headache. Paris sounds romantic, but I live in Nashville in the here and now, I need REALISM, not Romanticism.

If you really want me to "ask any question" you might not like the ones I come up with right off the bat. If you knew me you would know that I am somewhat of a traditionalist with a gooey liberal feminist center. However, how would you know if I am doing all of the asking. Does this mean you would always be this lazy, I mean "open", even in a relationship, because that would be a lot of work for me. (imagined scenario: Where do you want to go to dinner? I'm open, you tell me. soooo chinese? Italian? am I getting warm, a little help here please? ) That exhausts me and we haven't even been on a date yet!

Ok, here are the questions I would ask:

Where do you stand on 5 fouls and you are out rule in college basketball? Here is why I ask, back in the day when the Big East was considered a more physical league-it used to be 6 fouls!! Can you imagine? Think of how that would change the game. It blows my mind.

What is your take on the supernatural? I will fully disclose at this point that I am 100% on this trendy vampire wagon. Sorry. Team Jacob for the record. If you find that immature you should have asked me first!!

Do you really work out 3-5 times a week? People say that (myself included) but those are actually my intentions. I know I should work out that much, and I even schedule it, but if my friends ask me to go to happy hour instead-guess where you will find me?

Do you like to cuddle (Beware-this is a TRICK question) The standard girl wants to hear yes. But I am NOT your standard girl! Cuddling sounds like a fabulous and sweet idea, but it kinda irritates me. I like the standard American 1 square foot of space. Making the effort every once in a while is sweet and makes me feel cute, but other than that, I need my own space to be comfy.

Do you like to grocery shop? I ask this because if I can pawn that task off I totally will. I hate grocery shopping.

Daylight savings? How do you really feel about it? Yeah, stupid question, see why you should not let me do all the asking?!

Do you make new year's resolutions? I don't. That doesn't make me a pessimist, I still make goals, just arbitrarily, not set by the calendar. Way too much structure for me.

What do you think about Gloria Steinem? Careful here... :-)

Who is your favorite author? Ok fine, a top 5 list will do. Please don't tell me you don't read fiction, that would make me terribly sad for you.

What will your next tattoo be? Ohhhh this could be tricky too! I look like a straight and narrow, clean cut teacher, but I might have a little thing for the bad boy! Which I do. So now that is out. But don't let that fool you. I am looking for a real good man that just has shimmers of the old bad boy. Not the total bad ass, make you feel like crap asshole. Two totally different things.

So, now. Must I keep going? At any point do you think you might feign interest in Me? Cause letting me ask all the questions makes it allllll about you. Snooooze.

One last question-what questions do you have for me?

Krismet is a funny way to combine Kris with Kismet.

This is going to be my year. There are big things in store for me, I physically feel the atmospheric shift happening at this very moment. So begins the journey of living in the kismet moment. There are a few things I need to clear out first:
1. My bedroom really needs to be cleaned. Can I be successful if I can't ever keep my clothes off of the floor? That certainly is worth pondering, but also perhaps futile.
2. My usual procrastination when it comes to grading is at an all time high (low?) It is as if the idea of reading 1 more Thoreau essay is paralyzing. Dare I say literally? What would Thoreau do if he was in my position? Something deliberate for sure, but what? Recycle all of that paper and go outside. 24 degrees outside is really prohibiting my transcendentalist chi from being released.
3. My finances, can you say disaster? Oh wait, with a capital D. and maybe capital other letters as well. DISASTER. I am a master at ignoring this, but it is probably manifesting itself in some terrible way that I am unaware of...like I eat too much. Well I do that too, but mismanaging finances pretty much has it's own really dire natural consequences.
Who needs money, so says my friend Thoreau. Word dude. I do pay my taxes though-for the record. And I don't need to spend any time in jail to make a point. That is what this fancy new blog is for.
4. I started working out again today...again something that seems totally futile, although lots of people get really good results, I am not totally convinced. I ran 2 miles today. It seems so insignificant. I epitomize the instant gratification generation. I want to be in shape and I want to be in shape NOW. Just call me Verruca.
5. I also started my good eating habits again just now, at dinner, today, a few minutes ago. Gosh Darn it if it is not UNFAIRLY expensive. This suddenly got whiny, next topic.
6. I am blessed. I know this because I have the best siblings in the world. Like, in the WORLD. I don't mean in the spoil me rotten kind of way, I just mean that they are really frickin' cool people. They all have these awesome and yet really different qualities. They make me laugh, HARD. If I can live up to their standards I am doing pretty darn good in this world.
7. My friend Becky. She is also a riot and a dang good friend. She does nice things for people so much so that it might almost be to her detriment. That is a good person.
8. Old friends are good too. Seeing friends from years ago reminds me that we were drawn together for reasons beyond just the moment and geography.
9. Old boyfriends are ok too. Mostly. They have taught me a lot, or rather, I have learned a lot about myself while with them. That is ok.
10. Growth is good. I would like to see more of it, like if I had a garden. In my garden I would have lavender so that every time I walked by I would think of my mother. Ricky. She was a cool chick too. In every sense of the word. Damn, she is missed.
11.My dad is cool guy too. He is a slippery fella. But he has a lot of love in his heart.
12. I am surrounding myself with people who are filled with love. Because it is cheesy and it feels good. So naysayers, go naysay somewhere else.
Peace and love.